Parent Effectiveness Training

Parent Effectiveness Training - Communication for a co-operative culture

The New School’s communication model is based on Parent Effectiveness Training and Teacher Effectiveness Training programmes devised by Dr. Thomas Gordon. The basis of it is in the use of day-to-day language and fostering communication skills that help build mutually respectful relationships. The concept of co-operation means respecting each other’s needs, resolving conflicts through dialogue, and living and learning together.

In the New School there is no place for punishment or reward. In fact, the use of punishment and reward is regarded as encouraging the very behaviour we want to discourage. The use of punishment gives the message that ‘might is right’, through its use of power to frighten, threaten, shame or intimidate. It undermines the child’s sense of self-worth. The use of reward and praise may encourage the child to become dependent on extrinsic rewards for their behaviour, in place of developing an inner ‘moral compass’. Rewards can discourage the growth of conscience, as the message the child often learns is that there is no reason to behave well unless there is some gain.

Assertive language

The New School communication model aims to develop communication skills in order to resolve problems in ways that strengthen rather than damage the relationship between adult and child.

In any classroom, learning can be interrupted by the disruptive or difficult behaviour of a child. If the adult is primed to view this behaviour as the child’s attempt to meet their own needs, it can reframe how the situation is resolved. The challenge for the adult is to be authentic about their needs and express the boundaries clearly, rather than blaming the child. It is by being made aware of the boundaries of others that the child learns to modify their behaviour.

Our approach is to replace the blaming language of ‘you are the problem’ by the assertive language of ‘I have a problem’. If the child is to change their behaviour willingly and become co-operative, they need clear feedback about their behaviour, the effect on the other person, and how that person feels about it.

A clear message may be:

Teacher: When you laugh and joke with each other while I’m talking [the behaviour],I can’t concentrate on what I’m saying [the effect],and I feel frustrated and concerned we’re not going to finish on time [the feeling].

In contrast, a threatening message such as ‘Stop all this mucking about or you’ll stay in at playtime’, contains no useful information a child needs in order willingly to change the disruptive behaviour. Clear, non-judgemental information sends a message of trust; and so free from fear or shame, a child is more likely to feel empathy and willingness to co-operate. When we blame, judge or threaten, we create resistance to the message.

Active listening

Of course, the willingness of children to listen to us depends on the overall quality of our relationship with them, and specifically our willingness to listen to them when they have a problem, rather than judging, fixing or blaming. Active listening is a way of reflecting back feelings without judgement, helping children to feel heard and accepted. It is critical to the child/adult relationship. When their feelings are acknowledged, children are given the space to ‘offload’, or process emotions – the key to moving towards a solution. When negative feelings are accepted, a child is more able to move on; if we deny them, ridicule them or try to ‘fix’ them, then a child will tend to hold on to their negative feelings. Safety to express feelings helps children to become more articulate and more self aware; in turn they then become more able to listen to the feelings of others.

Appreciation

Appreciation is effective in place of reward when a child behaves appropriately. Acknowledgement and appreciation help develop a child’s inner confidence and judgement rather than creating dependency on others’ approval. For example:

Teacher: I really appreciated your help in getting this classroom cleared up so efficiently. It meant I could get on with other jobs I needed to do. Thank you!

This message contains information that helps the child build a positive self image. The key is in the appreciation of the behaviour instead of an evaluation of the child such as ‘What a helpful boy!’ When appreciated, the child is provided with feedback which allows him to self evaluate. The child who builds up their own positive self evaluations is more likely to continue to want to behave well when there are no others to please. The school looks for ways to appreciate, acknowledge and celebrate children’s achievements without the dangers inherent in ‘labelling, which may limit the children and make them afraid to fail.

Effective guidance

Clear expectations regarding behaviour encourage children to be co-operative and connected to the school community. We give children very clear and strong guidance about our expectations in a language that is not imposing, bullying, lecturing or moralising. In this way we express trust and confidence in children’s inherent desire to behave socially, using influence rather than control.

Extreme situations may require the adult to be more pro-active in insisting upon respect for others; for example, disruptive behaviour in the classroom may lead to a child being temporarily removed from the room in order to protect the needs of the whole group. However, rather than using shaming language, the teacher will express clearly how much the child is valued within the group, and the desire to have them back when they are able to consider the needs of others. Here, the message is inclusive rather than exclusive.

If there is persistent disruption, the teacher may instigate a one-to-one meeting with the child at a time when both are feeling receptive; that is to say, not in the middle of conflict. The teacher gives clear information about the effects of the child’s behaviour, and clear expectations of the desired behaviour. Effective guidance also includes acknowledgement of the child's feelings, so that a dialogue is created in place of a lecture that may alienate the child and cause resistance to the message.

Circle time

Circle time is an intrinsic part of the school’s practice, providing a safe space to explore feelings and relationships as well as creating a forum for communication and open discussions. In our school, the form of the circle is used every morning to welcome, become present, and focus on the day ahead.

Circle time activities vary and may include silence, meditation, role play, open forum, as well as guided visualisation and image work. Circles have been used in many other situations, such as whole school problem-solving, and in the drawing up of a code of conduct for each class, where the teacher and children work together to form guidelines of conduct to which everyone agrees.

Circle time games nurture the skills of listening, expressing oneself, taking turns and teamwork. Children learn to articulate their own ideas, speak clearly about their feelings, and respond to others respectfully. Circle time also includes the direct teaching of social and communication skills.

Conflict resolution

The school uses a formal conflict resolution process for resolving class and whole school issues, whereby teachers and children work together to find ‘win-win’ solutions; for example, finding solutions to make playtimes safe for everyone.

Relationship problems between children are seen as an opportunity for the natural learning of ‘win-win’ problem solving, and children are encouraged to find their own solutions that meet the needs of both parties. ‘Fight the problem, not each other’ is the guiding principle at the New School, and this approach may be extended to formal facilitated sessions between children when the situation so demands.

Older children learn to facilitate conflict resolution in the playground through peer mediation training. In their role as ‘playground buddies’, our mediators help children with their everyday disputes and conflicts. Hence peaceful conflict resolution is truly embodied throughout the school culture.

The Support Group Method (developed by George Robinson and Barbara Maines) has been implemented successfully in our school. Children develop their own ideas on how to support children who maybe in conflict. With the help of adult facilitators, a ‘circle of friends’ is created for any child who feels vulnerable. In this way, the school becomes a safe environment for all.

Partnership with parents

Partnership with parents and extended families has been essential in developing a consistent communication model and fostering a co-operative culture. One way parents are encouraged to engage in the model is through participating in diverse activities within the school. Parents may spend time in the school listening to children read, assisting classroom teachers; they may also become involved by becoming a school governor, fundraising for bursaries, organising school events and summer camps.

Every Thursday afternoon is whole-school workshop time. These workshops are run by parents, grandparents and other members of the local community and range from dance to woodcraft, tennis to knitting.

In every situation, all adults are encouraged to ‘live’ the school’s culture and give a consistent message to the children within and without the school, in order to create clarity and a sense of safety.

Our experience has suggested that adults’ learning is crucial to the learning of the child. Therefore, free communication and parenting courses are offered throughout the year to all teachers and parents. We believe that the more adults understand the contexts and principles of learning, the more we are able to foster learning in our children.

Evaluation

Our findings are that children at the New School tend to be fully themselves; they have self-knowledge and confidence in who they are. Visitors to the school often remark on the friendliness and caring atmosphere, and the fact that children have an open attitude and an equal relationship with adults.

Children and parents comment that the school is an extension of home. It has become clear that the co-operative culture developed within the school community is also ‘lived’ at home. The kind of communication encouraged at school, especially the use of language to show acknowledgement, acceptance and respect, has been integrated in the children and adults’ habitual way of interacting with one another within and without the school.

The New School graduates are often considered (in the secondary school) as children who know how to establish inter-personal relations and who are excellent at articulating their own feelings. Cassy, a parent, reported:

My three boys have had the good fortune to have attended the New School since its opening. Two have moved on to secondary schools with confidence, a strong sense of their own identity and personal values.

Children as young as kindergarten age have developed the capacity of seeing a problem as something that can be resolved together. When tension and conflict arise, children are often heard to say to each other ‘Let’s work it out together.’

Alice joined the New School six months ago because bullying made her very unhappy in another local school. In this safe and human-scale environment, Alice immediately made friends and became happy and confident and enjoying school again. She will move on to a local secondary school next year. Alice said:

I am not afraid of going back to a large school because I am different now. I have learned the skills to deal with conflicts, and I have more confidence in myself.